The last six months have been all about feeling. It might not seem as a big thing since feeling should be something we do every day, every second of our lives. The problem is that sometimes, this is not what we do at all. We forget how important it is to give ourselves permission to feel our emotions, to enjoy them and make the most of them. How important it is to feel every single one. It doesn’t matter if it’s anger, pain, hatred or love. Maybe we do it because it seems like the easy way out. Maybe we are scared of our own emotions.
During my stay in Glasgow, I realized I was restraining myself from feeling. I think it was fear. I was scared of what those feelings could mean, what they could bring if I let myself feel them. Accepting those feelings was one of the hardest things I had done in my life so far. I guess I reached a point in which I could not hold them back anymore, in which they were asking to be felt. For me, the hardest feelings are those that compromise other people, that suppose a change in our lives, or that we know will have consequences. But I couldn’t keep thinking about it, contemplating how I put them in a box over and over again, pushing them back because I didn’t want to hurt anybody. After that, I just couldn’t stop anymore.
That first step led me to uncountable situations and took me to so many different places. It helped me to discover myself at a different level, to get out of my comfort zone, to experience emotions I had never experienced before. Yes, I cried. Yes, I questioned myself lots of times. Yes, I felt a pain I had never felt before in my life. Yes, I’m still dealing with the consequences of every emotion, every accident and every decision I took. Sometimes I even doubt about what I did, I wonder if maybe I felt too much, if maybe I was too reckless, too naive in this new world of just ‘going with the flow.’
Still, I don’t think I made the wrong decision. I reached a point during my trip in which I literally could feel everything with a strength I can’t quite express with words. I think it was a combination of completely new motions + the fact that I was not restraining them at all. This combination was like alcohol in my veins. I could notice how I slowly started losing all the ties, how I wasn’t thinking everything single little thing anymore. It was exciting and extremely satisfying. Sometimes I knew that the consequences would bring a lot of pain, anxiety and sadness. But I also knew it was worth it, because now I don’t have as many regrets as I could have had; I don’t feel like I wasted my time, like I lost opportunities. Most of all, because of them, now I feel like I know me –this weird combination of the old and the new me– a little bit more than before. I changed, and those changes brought happiness.
I know that the pain I still feel won’t go away soon, but somehow I don’t even want it to. It is a reminder, a sweet kind of pain in a way, because it means that I felt whatever it is that I felt as much as I could in every possible way, with no restrains, doubts, or fears, and that it was real and important and it meant the world while it lasted.
*wrote this while I was supposed to be doing my creative writing assignment*