I’ve been doing a loooot of inner-thinking lately. Since I became single I simply have too much time to think about myself. Even though I also had plenty of time to do this while I was in Scotland –and later on while I was travelling–, the truth is that my mind had more important things to think about at the moment. Things like partying and enjoying my new friends and my new feelings (and also more boring stuff like making ends meet). I was so struck, so amused by all these things that were incredible and that were happening so fast that I didn’t really stop to think too much about myself.
I did not realize this at the moment. Again, my mind was being occupied by so many things that there was no more space or time. I actually thought that I was finally paying attention to myself, that I was finally free to experiment and feel new emotions and discover those aspects of me that I didn’t know. And I did. But this right now is in a totally different level; this is truly going inwards. I’m personally calling this the “second stage”, my own second stage. The continuation, somehow, of started during my semester in Glasgow.
To summarize it, it would be something like this: I have long moments of silence, of nothing to do. I have uncountable moments in which I just can’t find that person to message and tell him the first idea that comes to my mind. I have no distractions, no “new life” to keep me away from my own thoughts and memories. I’m at home, taking the bus to uni, spending my day at uni, coming back home on the same bus and then lying on my bed looking at the roof. Just me. Only me. Day after day. Add a lovely dog to the picture and that would be it (and yes, I talk to my dog. They’re very good listeners!)
Basically, I find myself utterly alone. I find myself…talking with me. Dwelling on everything over and over again, because there’s nothing else I can do with my thoughts than rethink them. They’ve been haunting me since forever, and once I stopped running from them I was able to start paying attention. I’m sure we all do this, but some people are more used to it than others: some people have been doing this, mastering this art of being with yourself, for a longer time than us. Maybe because they wanted to, or because they needed to, or maybe because they were thrown into it, like I was.
Truth is, it is not easy. Not easy at all. I can’t be the only person in the world who thinks and feels that being alone is harder than it seems, specially if you haven’t been alone in a while (or, like me, for seven years). Right now, I’m navigating through it. Some days it feels awesome and empowering, and then other days I feel like my loneliness is killing me (yep, that was intended). And that’s okay, there’s no need to panic about it, or if you do, just know that at some point you won’t panic anymore. Someday, hopefully not too far away, we’ll be okay with it. We’ll come to terms with reality, and we’ll start enjoying this moment that is so precious and unique (even if it doesn’t seem so right now). And every time you feel like Britney in Baby One More Time, just watch a nice movie, or call a friend, or talk with your dog (and take it for a walk if you can), or cook something you like.
Get away from your mind a little bit. Sometimes I have the feeling that I’ve been inside myself for too long, and I need something to take me out of myself. That’s also fine. But please, let’s not quit this. Because learning to be comfortably alone, to deal with yourself, to confront your thoughts, to love all of this and, above all, learning to love you…that’s a thing we need to master.