I’ve been writing a lot about how I feel towards certain things. It sounds a little bit abstract sometimes, not talking precisely about it. I haven’t done it because I’m afraid there is not space nor words enough to write all the things that happened during my semester abroad. That’s the problem, you know, once your “erasmus” semester is over: what to do with all the memories? Being a writer, of course that the only thing I can do with them is just…write them down. Slowly, piece by piece, memory by memory. Anyway, this is just another short version of a very long story.
I’ve been doing a loooot of inner-thinking lately. Since I became single I simply have too much time to think about myself. Even though I also had plenty of time to do this while I was in Scotland –and later on while I was travelling–, the truth is that my mind had more important things to think about at the moment. Things like partying and enjoying my new friends and my new feelings (and also more boring stuff like making ends meet). I was so struck, so amused by all these things that were incredible and that were happening so fast that I didn’t really stop to think too much about myself.
I can see us. There, lying in your messy bed, pillows under our heads, looking silently the roof, me looking silently at you. Searching for your cold hand, hiding in some part of your hairy, darkened chest. Wrapping my legs around your firm body. That familiar taste on your lips.
I can see us in your room. The TV is on, there’s a football match you can’t miss. Your excitement, your screams, the way you jump out of the bed, your happiness when you ask me for another beer to celebrate. I take three with me so I don’t have to leave your side.
The last six months have been all about feeling. It might not seem as a big thing since feeling should be something we do every day, every second of our lives. The problem is that sometimes, this is not what we do at all. We forget how important it is to give ourselves permission to feel our emotions, to enjoy them and make the most of them. How important it is to feel every single one. It doesn’t matter if it’s anger, pain, hatred or love. Maybe we do it because it seems like the easy way out. Maybe we are scared of our own emotions.